Dear Invisible Children Hater,

You’re not doing the math correctly.

There are people who are “suddenly” against African conflicts because it was “suddenly” brought to their attention. If you expect anyone to care about things they don’t even know exist, then you could really benefit from a touch or two of reality. Maybe if you got your facts straight before opening your ignorant mouth, you would know that spreading the awareness that was severely lacked a few days ago is the entire point of the movement, making your argument completely invalid. Don’t be bitter because it’s actually working to the extent that it is. Instead of putting people down for believing in something inspiring, your faith in humanity should be restored. There is someone out there who knows how to connect with modern America, and is actually using that power for good. Very, very, very good.

Now if you’re the one who believes this is not America’s battle, and that we should not be worrying this way about others, then tell me what kind of selfish reputation you would like the country you represent to stand for. If nobody else is going to take the responsibility of saving some helpless lives, then we should definitely sit back, watch, and say, “well that just sucks.” Right? I don’t know about you, but that would make me PRETTY proud to be an American.

The way that Invisible Children presented the issue enlightened some of us with the severity of all issues of its kind. So yes. Those of us are jumping on the “activist bandwagon.” We may be late bloomers, but I would like to think it’s better late than never.

You can join us, Hater, or you can continue to hog all the freedom you are clearly yet to understand how fortunate you are to have.

Sincerely,
Kony 2012

Starving Artist Rant.

It takes a lot of self control to not go into angry convulsions when my photography goes uncredited. Photography is what I do because it’s what makes me feel good and whole and it makes the people I do it for happy. As of now, I’m only getting paid in appreciation. And let me tell you… It’s well beyond enough. You wouldn’t believe how far a simple but genuine “thank you” could go. But I want this to be a part of my future. Your faith in my creativity is going to be what makes that possible one day. If the right people see my work and find my information, then I’ll be one step closer. If no one sees it but the credit is still there, the fact that you recognized my work at all gives me the confidence to keep going.

So please. Don’t be an ass. On the behalf of all artists. Respect. Represent. Credit.

Truth.

I have a pet peeve that I need to get of my chest…

“I’m so upset. Blah blah blah.”
“I’m sorry.”

If I take the time to open up to you and tell you how I really feel, can’t you take the time to give me something other than your sympathy that does nothing other than make me feel like a whiny and helpless asshole? Would it kill you to say something a little more meaningful? Something that makes me feel like you actually want to be there for me and like you’re not just humoring me? I may be overreacting, but I’ve always found this kind of response truly offensive.

End rant.

My mind is still blown by the anonymous hate I just got.

Hopefully they unfollowed me because I don’t want to afraid to speak my mind here when I’ve grown so comfortable with it. I’ve seen it happen that people follow others just to give them shit for the most ridiculous things. Only to someone with an unreal amount of followers, though, so it’s all inevitable. But to me? I’m sorry. It just baffles me. I’m going to go finish packing before I go off on unnecessarily dramatic tangent about things that don’t even really matter.

A rant from the death bed.

Just got home from the doctor. I have strep and a fever. Want to know the last time I had either of those? Probably middle school. But here’s the real kicker. The symptoms went from minor on Saturday night to full force on Sunday morning. Simultaneously with my hell of a period (not sorry for the TMI). It was five days late. I’m never late. It’s like it was just WAITING for the PERFECT time. I had to cancel tonight’s much needed chiropractor appointment and plans with my friend I haven’t seen since New Year’s and probably won’t until after Disney. I also had to cancel on a friend who was going to use me for two of her independent short films tomorrow. The 16 hours worth of lost pay is also a pleasing addition.

In a way, it is actually kind of convenient. Better now than this weekend that I’ll be spending in Hershey Park or the following weekend where I’ll be on my way to Orlando. And sick time means free time if you don’t spend all of it sleeping. Maybe I’ll try to get the hang of Spotify.

Bright sides.

Inahale…

My plan all day has been to do whatever I had to do then come home and clean the fuck out of my room and I was even excited to do it but then I started thinking about life and now I can’t stop Google searching schools within driving distance or a train ride into the city with holistic nutrition majors and I can’t find shit so now my stomach is getting all anxious and I think I’m going to stop this nonsense and clean my room because today was a long ass day for a lot of us and we all deserve the ability to stop thinking about the future and treat ourselves to some peace of mind.

……………………. exhale.

Bullet rants.

• I’m convinced I’m slowly getting fired (Part 1): My manager told me after three shifts that he was “not impressed” by my work, that he sees a “lack of passion and eagerness to learn more”, and that I’m “getting in the way” which is complete bullshit because still to this day, I’ve never been properly trained. There are only two times in the last month that someone actually took the time to really show me how to do certain things and let me practice. Other than those rare occasions, I’m forced into being a nuisance when there’s a line out the door and I don’t know how to do anything that anyone is asking me to do. I ask questions because I truly want to be able to do my job efficiently and comfortably so I can impress my manager, but there are only so many ways to do that without getting in the way when you are thrown out onto the floor with no proper training. 95% of what I have learned so far is from shadowing people and learning from my mistakes that I’m frowned upon for making. Even through my frustrations and ever-decreasing confidence, I keep a smile on my face and maintain a welcoming atmosphere for the customers (at least as far as I’m concerned), which is supposedly the ultimate goal.
• I’m convinced I’m slowly getting fired (Part 2): ‘Tis the season to be depressed! It’s no secret anymore that I’m in the middle of battling both PMDD and Seasonal Affective Disorder. I do the absolute best I can to leave my problems at the door, but we all know damn well that sometimes it’s just so hard to pretend that everything is okay. Especially for the week or two that I’m dealing with both at the same time. It’s so, so, so hard but I really do try. I hate when my manager sees me like that. The way he talks to me makes me feel like he thinks it’s me being lazy or unwilling. I would tell him to truth so we’re at a better understanding, but I don’t want to give anyone excuses.
• I’m convinced I’m slowly getting fired (Part 3): My manager didn’t honor my request off for the day I have tickets to see City & Colour when the request was made two weeks in advance, and when there was someone who didn’t get the 40 hours a week they were promised who had off that day and could have very well been scheduled instead. She wrote him a note asking if she could pick up the shift for me. He gave her that day. He also gave somebody else another one of my shifts without telling me. I am now scheduled for 16 hours next week when everyone else has at least 25.
• The Toxic Best Friend: Things are starting all over again and it needs to fucking stop. Either you’re oblivious to the fact that you keep putting me through a cycle where you convince me that everything is back to normal only for me to find out that it’s just the same, or you realize it and you don’t care. One more guilt trip and we’re done.
• I thought getting all of that out would make me feel better, but I actually feel worse. I would delete it if it didn’t mean a waste of twenty minutes of my life.
• I’m not as miserable as this makes me seem.

Let me complain for a second?

My school opened registration for next semester at 8am today. I woke up early to sign up for the last three classes I need to graduate. As per usual, their server cannot handle thousands of desperate-to-get-the-fuck-out students who are doing the same exact thing all at once. I have been awake for two hours and have not signed up for a single class. The woman on the phone said to keep trying and it will eventually work. If I have to spend ANOTHER semester at this “two year” school because of a SERVER CRASH… I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do, but there are a lot of possibilities running through my head and none of them involve sanity.

Pardon me while I ungratefully rant about my life.

Tomorrow is my last shift with Disney. I can’t stand the thought of being a Cast Member anymore. I didn’t want it to end like this. I love my job, but at the same time, it’s still so hard to think about because I have that painfully strong gut feeling that it’s not at all where I’m meant to be right now. I have a stuffy nose. I feel like I’m getting a fever. I haven’t been able to keep my eyes open or my limbs moving for a majority of most days this week no matter how much sleep I get. When I do get a sufficient amount of sleep, I apparently spend it sleepwalking or talking. I don’t want my last day as a working Cast Member to be bitter, miserable, and uncomfortable. I want it to be like today. I wish today was my last day and that I could look back on it with a smile instead of a cringe and that I could call in tomorrow because the points don’t matter anymore. What does matter is that I wouldn’t make more than $5 after rent. I want money for when Mitch comes here. Every time I think about waking up at 6am for work, I start to sweat and my chest feels all funny. Part of me even wants to cry. I want my mommy to make me rice and cheese for dinner. I want to fall asleep watching Kenan and Kel reruns with my boyfriend. I want my puppy to sense that something is wrong and sit on my lap because that’s the only time she’ll ever pay attention to me. I want a therapy session in Lisa’s office where she would warn me that she’s not wearing any pants as if I would expect anything else. I’m just so unfairly uncomfortable right now. It’s unfair to Disney, not to me. It’s not fair that something so great makes me feel so wrong. That last sentence could be taken very sexually out of context and it would probably make me laugh if I wasn’t a few minutes away from a mental breakdown. Really though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I feel so absolutely WRONG here. You may think I’m an exaggerating kid that’s scared because she’s naively and poorly transitioning into the young adult life, but I’ve never felt like this before. Like there are literal FORCES that are desperately trying to push me away from this life that I once thought was everything I wanted. It’s scary. I can’t shake it. It’s making me sick. Mentally, physically, emotionally. My apartment is setup the way it was when I first got settled in almost two months ago, and I need to be packed up and out of my apartment Sunday morning. It’s Friday night. I have work 8:30am-4:30pm tomorrow. That leaves me with enough time to pack tonight and tomorrow night and lose even more sleep. Exactly what I need, right? The only things that are keeping me from going to work tomorrow are taking a picture in my work costume with Mickey and some of his friends and being able to make rent with some money left over for next week. This rant ended up longer and more annoying than I intended. Go figure. I don’t know if I feel better or worse. Maybe I should go for a walk. Or maybe I would if I didn’t have to pack. Maybe I should just shut up. Yeah. Maybe I’ll do that.