I was going to cut it out with the deeply personal shit, but that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? …..
Anxiety won last night. It’s been worse than usual, lately. Because it’s winter? Because school is back in session and I’m in a community college with no major and cannot find a way to structure it into my weekly schedule in a severely OCD friendly way? Because I’m in denial that I need the help of other people and things and I’m bringing some incredibly important people in my life down with me in the process? Because I stopped doing yoga? Because of some clinical or psychological reason that I could have figured out long ago, but haven’t, because I’ve been too scared to pick up the phone and tell a complete stranger that I need their wisdom or whatever it is they have a degree in? Because I haven’t been eating my fruits and veggies? Fuck if I know. It’s kind of useless to find the answers myself. That never got me anywhere for more than a day or two at a time.
The main point is, last night happened, and this morning happened. I didn’t sleep well, if at all. I knew waking up at 5:30am for my morning shift was going to hurt before it happened.
I got to work and asked my shift supervisor how busy she thought we would be. She turned around to see my face, and apparently I had not cleaned up the tears well enough. When she asked what was wrong, I might have broke down a little bit and told her I just needed to leave a little early if possible to make a doctor appointment. She gave me a hug, told me to make myself a drink, and go home.
We’ve all been hating our unorganized, unfair, blah blah blah, work setting as of late. But we love each other, at least. I’m lucky to be working with people like her. So very, very lucky.
I made myself a chocolate chip cafe vanilla frappuccino while the rest of my coworkers tried to cheer me up and make me laugh. So, so lucky.
Now I’m home with the opportunity to sleep these burning eyes away, but I’m going to utilize this time a little more. By candlelight, I’m going to finally get on my keyboard for the first time while indulging in this disgustingly delicious breakfast dessert until my doctor’s office opens, and hope to God that work will end up as steady as they are expecting and will not end up needing me.
I hope your mornings turn out or turned out a lot smoother than mine, and that you lend me some good vibes. If the day gets any better, I promise to return them in one piece.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I have a date with Glen Hasnard tutorials and a grande cup of empty calories.